THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: One of the many questions I’m asked this time of year is,
“Doc, are you and Theresa goin’ anywhere this year for Christmas?” And every
year (including this one), I’ve had to say that we were not. My basic answer,
when asked why, is that I wanted to stick around, and maybe visit my brothers or
my beloved in-laws over in Chenango County. I’ve always felt a little twinge of
guilt as I answered this question, because the answer isn’t completely true. But
I feel better this year because—and with Santa Claus’s full permission—I can now
tell just a bit more of the whole true story. (The WHOLE story is in my newest
book, O Holy Night: How a
New York Veterinarian and His Wife Saved Christmas.) Sorry about the
shameless plug for the book.
HOW REINDEER FLY
AND THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
The truth of the matter as to why we don’t go anywhere during the holiday is
that Theresa and I are part of a worldwide team of emergency veterinarians and
assistants who are on-call just in case something medically serious happens to
Santa’s reindeer. There are about a 1,000 of us pairs of emergency responders
available to provide care to the reindeer for everything from upset stomachs
from eating too many cookies, to my being called out last Christmas Eve to save
Rudolph after a nearly fatal collision with a 747 Jumbo jet. (This is the story
I tell in my book.)
I can hear it out there now: “So Doc, just how is it that reindeer fly?”
Like the answer to any biological or medical question, it isn’t a simple answer.
It’s taken me hundreds of hours of sitting through reindeer medicine and
surgical continuing education courses just to begin to grasp the physiology of
these amazing beasts. If you think about it, what they do every Christmas Eve is
quite mind-boggling. Figuring (very conservatively) that Santa must visit a
little over one hundred million households in his twenty-four-hour trip around
the world, it means that he has to make approximately 1,100 stops per second. He
and the reindeer, therefore, must travel nearly 700 miles per second. Just the
sonic booms alone from a flying sleigh traveling at 3,500 times the speed of
sound would shatter every window and Christmas tree ornament in the world!
And not only must they go this fast, they must pull the sleigh containing
Santa and the toys. If you calculate that there are two good children per each
of the one hundred plus million households that celebrate Christmas throughout
the world, this means the reindeer must pull (figuring a mere three pounds per
child) six hundred million pounds; that’s 300,000 tons!!!
How Santa and his reindeer are able to carry out such a gargantuan task was
the source of much lecturing and discussion during our classes in emergency
medicine and surgery. In overwhelming detail, we talked about every theory and
wives tale, from the commonly told children’s stories about the reindeer being
sprinkled with fairy dust and/or eating magic corn, to the bizarre notion of the
animals being supercharged by their use of steroids or by the eating of yellow
snow that had been peed on by human shamans intoxicated on mind-altering
mushrooms.
There is a theory known as “the gasbag hypothesis,” where the reindeer
inflate themselves to achieve vertical liftoff. This idea, however, doesn’t
provide an explanation for how they’re able to achieve forward motion once
they’re airborne. A similar hypothesis suggests the reindeer possibly grow wings
for one night a year. Referred to as the “Pegasus phenomenon,” the idea accounts
nicely for how the animals might fly, but it falls short on many levels. Just
like any fixed-wing airplane or jet, reindeer with wings would need a runway to
take off from in order to generate lift. And most of the time, especially in
urban settings, this is impossible.
The most complicated theory (and this is some REALLY heavy stuff) put forth,
was what the professors referred to as the “Einstein paradigm.” Or, put more
simply, it was a hoped-for theory of everything. This mind-boggling hypothesis
took us on a mental journey into the realm of the quantum mechanics. The theory
suggests that the reindeer might be using a not-yet-discovered ability to create
alterations in Einstein’s so-called space/time continuum. This distortion in the
fabric of time could be the driving principle behind what allows the reindeer to
be in a thousand places at any instant of time. Put more simply, by their
as-of-yet-unknown ability to control time, the reindeer are able to make use of
a form of quantum teleportation. This would give them the capacity to be in an
infinite number of places at any one time. The theory goes on to include stuff
about cosmic worm holes, fractal vortex shedding devices (the reindeer antlers),
string theories, nine-dimension universes, etc. (I told you this was heavy
stuff!!!)
And I’m way, way outta room. In summary, however, when pressed for the exact
answer as to how the reindeer fly, our professor had to admit that no one really
knows for sure. In his own words, he concluded, “Ultimately, it’s really a
miracle.”
Just like the miracle, dear readers, that occurred with the birth of a
Precious Baby in a straw-lined manger, in a tiny stable, in little town called
Bethlehem, over 2000 years ago. Jesus, He’s the reason for the season. Merry Christmas to
everyone.
Copyright © 2006 by Richard Orzeck, DVM
The information in this article is based upon the author’s personal experience
and his best interpretation of veterinary data at the time of writing. It is
not intended to render veterinary advice or service. Specific needs and questions
concerning your pet’s health should always be addressed by his or her
best friend, your local veterinarian.